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<p>这些事情，让我在想：你愿意嫁给自己么？</p>
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<p>让我从我第一次真正意识到自己的时候说起，那大概是在我十岁左右，我开始真正意识到自己是谁、爸爸妈妈是谁、我们住在哪个庄、世界是什么样子。</p>
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<p>我从小就有点聪明，当时是村里优秀的孩子。然而，我从小却似乎缺乏感知力，对于语文和英语的学习一直难以把握其中的抽象概念。就导致我的成绩忽高忽低，可爸妈对我要求非常高，于是就总是会有矛盾冲突。可是包括老师他们真的以为我都懂，认为我态度不行，没有好好学习。</p>
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<p>于是，我就成了那个谁都想锤一下的钉子。我也努力尝试学习过语言科目，但我凡事都想问个为什么？于是，就导致根本无法理解抒发了什么什么感情，写了十篇作文就有八篇跑题。</p>
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<p>如果无法形成正反馈，就只能不断迎接负反馈的挑战。爸妈的原生家庭也都有缺陷，同时还带有些许封建色彩。再加上家里物质条件不好，生活带来的各种家庭矛盾经常上演。我就成了个受气包，整天担惊受怕，不敢回家，以至于噩梦连连。就连老妈也时不时恐吓我，学习不好就丢出去，更是大半夜把我锁到家门外，以至于寒暑假都不能和我的小伙伴一起玩耍。</p>
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<p>不过，回忆起小时候最快乐的时光，斌蛋，香蛋，猪头，航蛋，我们几个曾在一起度过了非常快乐的童年时光。</p>
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<p>斌蛋年龄比我们都大，小时候个子最高，是一个爱吹牛的孩子王。因为他有三个姐姐，所以每次都能拥有令我们羡慕的玩具和零食。香蛋和我一样大，小时候做事横冲直撞，但是很单纯；每次我们一起玩，都离不开那标志性的小电驴和虎子（狗），还有他那喜欢留一大串鼻涕的小外甥。猪头和航蛋比我小，比较喜欢和我一起玩。后来斌蛋和香蛋去登封武术学校，就剩我们仨一起放羊，打扑克。那时候，我们疯狂痴迷一款叫洛克王国的游戏，为了刷级，我第一次接触编程，开始尝试编写游戏外挂。后来无意发现了个 BUG，直接导致游戏停服一天……</p>
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<p>由于学习成绩时好时坏，我的这些快乐就无法正常续期。特别是那时候的我根本无法理解，如何消除，抹去这些负面情绪。于是在家庭环境的影响下，种下了叛逆、偏执的种子。同时由于缺乏和谐、亲密的家庭环境，导致我很渴望亲密的关系，以至于，后来间接导致了早恋。</p>
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<p>终于，要上初中了！终于不用在家担惊受怕了，我暗自发喜。一开始学习成绩还是很好的，但后来因为早恋、叛逆，成绩直线下滑。我也不知道为什么会早恋，可能是青春期的懵懂吧，总之，就是我很沉溺于那亲密关系。于是，年少时的我就开始了一场青涩、懵懂、无知，奇奇怪怪的早恋行为，完全被情绪所驱使。</p>
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<p>现在回过头来看，当时物质上的缺乏，精神世界的贫瘠，加之环境的影响和塑造，即使再来一次，我依旧也会犯错。而且家庭，成绩，老师，早恋之间逐渐形成了无法调和的尖锐对立。自始至终，我也不知道该怎么办，内心充满了抗拒，各种矛盾的爆发导致叛逆的种子彻底发芽。</p>
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<p>我做了些什么？为什么所有人都要管我？</p>
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<p>后来稀里糊涂地进了高中后，就彻底放开了自我。逃课、玩手机、翻墙上网、抽烟喝酒、打架斗殴，除了不好好学习，我什么都干。后来还通过好哥们加入了校田径队，美曰其名训练，实打实逃课。每天就是吃吃喝喝、打打篮球、逃逃课、谈谈恋爱，那时候，可谓是我年少时候最快乐的日子。</p>
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<p>甚至高中也谈恋爱了……</p>
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<p>但现在我觉得高中时期的恋爱，更多的是一种带着恋爱名义的社交。幻想对方也许就是彼此的命中注定，稀里糊涂的认识，老脸一红的在一起，加之莫名其妙的争吵，最后又稀里糊涂地分开。那时候，家庭条件有所改善，相对以前不再显得那么局限。然而，我的精神世界依旧贫瘠，早恋的经历以及年少时的心结未解。使我对于成家，结婚拥有了近乎癫狂的执念。</p>
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<p>后来，一天一天地临近高考，说实话，我也不知道未来干什么，学学不进去，整天就只锻炼身体了。不过有一说一，我个人身体素质还是蛮不错的，体育高考还过了线，不过也就在这时候认识了如梦。当时如梦是一个很奇奇怪怪的女生，刚开始在一块也很幸福。不过后来我近乎病态地执着于结婚，导致我们彼此互相伤害，渐行渐远。其实，如梦没什么大问题，只是我从小淤积的情绪、经历、执念迎来了爆发的时刻，而我更不能奢求她能照亮我的人生。</p>
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<p>当时大学是牧院的计算机专业，学校也不是很好。我也犯了象牙塔里每个人都会犯的错误：极度的理想主义。毕业后上工地，下工厂，兼职临时工啥都干，无所不尽其能。最后，我选择折返和老爸创业更是一路艰辛险阻，与此同时，我和如梦也分开了。那段时间真是极致的痛苦……</p>
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<p>现在客观地看待，当时众多问题的核心原因在于我缺乏独立的人格，导致我一把好牌打得稀烂。</p>
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<p>我不想在这待了。在山里喂了两年羊后，我最终还是选择了走自己的路。经过一段时间的过渡，期间也做了很多傻事，最终来到了现在的公司，满心期待的开始了这份工作。这是一份正式，稳定的工作，也让我有机会去看看这个世界，体验他人的生活。后来的疫情导致我也没得选择，于是我就开始主动阅读、思考、复盘总结，并付诸实践，这也是我成长最快的一个阶段。我不断从生活的点点滴滴做起，追求健康生活，努力进步，整理自己。</p>
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<p>我花了近一个月的时间才写下了这篇文章，写了又删，删了又写。这磕磕撞撞的一路，终究是多少字都无法记录下来的，到头来我却只能轻描淡写。</p>
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<p>有时候会想后悔么？可说实话，其实没有什么可以后悔的，我从小出身贫寒，更不是天才，阶级的局限性使我很难不犯错。再加上原生家庭的不美满，性格自幼存在缺陷，情绪不稳定，个人能力欠缺……</p>
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<p>谁又会愿意嫁给我呢？不过去年，在我深刻地认识到这个问题后，经过长达一年的自我改造，迭代和修复，目前已经可以拿个及格分了。但我很不想回溯这些事，只是偶尔会受影响。我也想借此文章打个快照，放在这里好了。</p>
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<p>人生南北多歧路，最是人间留不住……</p></article></div><div class="right sidebar"><div class="graph "><h3>Graph View</h3><div class="graph-outer"><div id="graph-container" data-cfg="{"drag":true,"zoom":true,"depth":1,"scale":1.1,"repelForce":0.5,"centerForce":0.3,"linkDistance":30,"fontSize":0.6,"opacityScale":1,"showTags":true,"removeTags":[]}"></div><svg version="1.1" id="global-graph-icon" xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" xmlnsXlink="http://www.w3.org/1999/xlink" x="0px" y="0px" viewBox="0 0 55 55" fill="currentColor" xmlSpace="preserve"><path d="M49,0c-3.309,0-6,2.691-6,6c0,1.035,0.263,2.009,0.726,2.86l-9.829,9.829C32.542,17.634,30.846,17,29,17
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